dumping resolutions

It is nearly the end of January and I have broken nearly every resolution I made 26 days ago, including writing more consistently for this blog. When I was little, I would solemnly write my resolutions down and have my mom sign it as a witness and then roll it up into a sacred scroll tied up with a ribbon leftover from Christmas. I love the idea of making resolutions because I always think there's the possibility of personal growth, of adopting a new behavior or eliminating a negative one and that after some self-reflection and self-criticism, you are a few steps closer to the person you want to become.

So after resolving to "be a nicer person" in my relationship, I got dumped nine days into the new year. But no worries, we have reconciled. In all fairness, it was my passive-aggressiveness that got me into trouble. All this led me to the conclusion that there are dumpers and dumpees and I was tragically stuck in the latter category.

Why is this, do you ask? Ironically, it is rooted in trying to be "nice" to another person. It has been my philosophy that because being the one who dumps requires you to hurt someone else's feelings, I'd rather provoke the situation until the person I'm with has little alternative than to break things up. Then that person feels good because he feels he called the shots, I feel good because that person got to save face and I still got out. No harm, no foul, everyone is happy, right?

In the spirit of revisiting resolutions, I've decided that I have had enough of being the dumpee. I'm going to boldly go where I have not gone before and get into the driver's seat of my relationships. So I have made the idiotic and possibly suicidal-to-my-career move to "break up" with one of my advisors.

In graduate school, the dating metaphor applies almost perfectly to relationships with some faculty members. You approach them shyly, all but pawing the ground with your shoe as you awkwardly court them. Do you like me? I think I like you. Do you think you want to go steady? Do you think you could commit to me and my puny little project in sickness and in health, 'til death or when I finish graduate school (whichever comes first) do we part?

You get them on your committee and then you are twenty-third in a long line of existing mates. Your new "partner" maintains an explicitly open relationship, no monogamy, thank you very much. They upgrade to brighter,new partners every year, accumulating men and women, young and old into their harem while your status plummets at an alarming speed. They don't answer your phone calls, your emails and you start to duck into the bushes when you see them coming to avoid any possible conversations about the progress of your dissertation even if you've achieved your highest point total ever in Tetris just last week. In light of these deteriorating circumstances, sometimes there comes a point at which relationships must end.

After a pathetically short phone conversation (I know it's a bit tacky to end a relationship over the phone I admit but trust me, I had no other choice as the possibility of actually seeing this person is like trying to see the Tooth Fairy), the three year relationship was over. I have finally become the dumper, if you will, and it feels... like an equal mix between profound relief and weirdness. While it was all very polite, very civil, and no drama, there is still a bittersweet aftertaste that comes with the end of all relationships, regardless of dumpee or dumper status.

On a brighter note, here we are only 26 days into the new year and I can emphatically cross off one of my resolutions! In fact, with this post, I am already coming close to knocking off a second one. Let the personal growth begin...