the only thing we have to fear is fear itself

After a long, long hiatus from writing, I've decided to take my friend's advice and write small pieces more frequently. What it comes down to is a fear of writing. I have been tackling my dissertation for the last few years and I honestly feel crippled at times by the process of writing. Although I have always envied writers and wanted to be one, the prospect of actually producing my magnum dopus has produced anxiety attacks in the form of constant and disgusting sweat that pours down my face whenever anyone mentions the word "dissertation" in my presence. Merely typing the word has already started my heart pumping. And now, my life, or rather my evenings, have been plagued by my recurrent stress dream.

In a recent conversation with a friend, the idea of stress dreams came up. It can be the exact same dream, played out over and over every few years, or can be a theme that takes different forms but you recognize it as the your stress dream. One friend talked about waves and the oceans as his theme, another about sea monsters that swim by. For me, my stress dream is this intense feeling of rage and helplessness connected to teaching. The thing is, I know exactly when it started. Beginning right after college, I started teaching a special education class in rural Louisiana with little to no formal training. While I fell in love with my students while there, I never had any control over the little buggers. In the course of two years, chairs flew, punches were thrown, kicks were delivered, I lost part of my front tooth, got my hair cut off by a student and chased one of my students carrying a knife down the hall after he threatened me with it. These were the direct results of my inability to take charge of my classroom, instill discipline and a respect for the rules. Not in a barking soldier kind of way, but in a Dead Poets, inspiring yet amazing kind of way. The point is that when I have a dream about teaching, I know I'm at a breaking point of sorts and something has to change. Sometimes the little kid-size chairs are there but adults are stuffed into them. Sometimes it is teaching college-aged students but they behave like my elementary students. They are insubordinate and I am literally shaking with rage in my dream because I'm so angry and so powerless to change the situation. My friend told me her therapist said that stress dreams come during moments of transition and that once you figure out what the symbol mean, the stress dream will disappear.

Is FDR right that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself? Maybe, but I wonder what form FDR's stress dreams took.